The following is an excerpt from my informative and well-received textbook tentatively titled “A History of Hotness.”

EARLY LIFE

Drexel was born in the tiny farm town of Skokie, Illinois. The youngest of eleven children, Drexel was a rapscallion with a nose for trouble that followed him around throughout his life. And that nose was broken quite a few times because of that trouble. While deer hunting one day with three of his brothers on their property, Pete saw a four-point buck, took aim and fired his rifle. The backfire knocked the young Drexel down, where he landed face first into a pile of mud. When he got back up from the ground, the mud was caked all over his top lip, forming what gave the appearance of a thick black mustache. His brothers dubbed him “Mustache Pete” and the name stuck with him for the rest of his life.

PROFESSIONAL CAREER

Two of Drexel’s brothers played on the Skokie Sentinels, a semi-pro team made up mostly of farmers, bricklayers and self professed “man-whores.” “Mustache” Pete Drexel, thought too young to take the field, spent the games selling bathtub gin to fans in the stands. One particular game, after a foul ball came his way, he threw it back to the pitcher and nearly knocked his glove off. The team was so impressed they offered “Mustache” Pete a contract that very day. Pete was hesitant to sign until several attractive females in the stands referred to him as “resembling a more handsome Abraham Lincoln.” Pete quickly became the team’s number one pitcher and won the hearts of fans and the local Skokie girls alike.

Two years into his Skokie Sentinel days, a scout for the Chicago Cubs, impressed by “Mustache” Pete’s play, as well as his thick, luxurious mustache, offered him a contract with the big league club. Pete signed the deal, and put a provision in the contract that he “be paid half in cash and half in snuff.”

During his time with the Cubs, “Mustache” Pete was a fan favorite as a fun-loving, womanizing flame throwing right-hander. It is believed that Drexel coined the term “mustache ride” during one of his many encounters with the friendly ladies of Chicago.

THE LABRADOR INCIDENT

On September 27th, 1903, “Mustache” Pete Drexel was pitching the first game of a doubleheader against the Cincinnati Red Stockings. While in mid windup, a Labrador retriever (belonging to the head groundskeeper) ran onto the mound and attacked Drexel.

Apparently mustaches reminded the dog of its original abusive owner and thus showed no mercy on Drexel, attacking his face, arms, and legs until the home plate umpire was able to distract the dog by grabbing a bratwurst from a fan and throwing it into shallow left field, thus coining the term “hot dog.”

There is some controversy to how the Labrador managed to reach the field. At the time, rumors abounded that the mad beast had been purposely set on Drexel by none other than Marcus Diller, Drexel’s rival both on the mound and in the bedroom. No formal accusations were ever made, though with Diller’s close ties to the Chicago underworld, this was hardly surprising. What is known, is that for the rest of his life, “Muttonchops” Marcus Diller, no matter how hard he tried, could never manage to grow a mustache.

Unfortunately, “Mustache” Pete never fully recovered from the injuries sustained and was forced to retire from professional baseball soon after.

LIFE AFTER BASEBALL

After his dog-attack injuries forced him from the game, Drexel settled down on a tiny farm on the outskirts of his hometown in Illinois. There he married Shirley Johnson, a widower and heiress to the Johnson Magnet fortune, and they had no children. At the age of 37, he died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I’m not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.

Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, Barry White), let’s not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.

Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let’s just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.

Step 1:

You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light.

Step 2:

Your woman steps out to use the little girl’s cave. You take off your loin cloth.

Step 3:

Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon.

This works…2 out of 3 times.

SOC 435 — Woo and You: A Study of Woo Girls in their Natural Habitats

Course Objective: For students to gain a greater knowledge and insight into the species of Woo Girl and their various breeds and types. Course will be hands on/pants off and focus specifically on Woo Girl haunts such as Mardi Gras, Western Themed Bars, and Spring Break. At the end of the ten week session, students are expected to have thorough and exhaustive knowledge of Woo Girl culture and mating rituals.

Prerequisites: Students shall have successfully passed both CGR 105 (An Introduction To Cougars) and ADV BRST 235 (Differential Equations and Matrix Algebra of Breasts.) Enrollment is limited to upper classmen only.

Professor: Stinson, B.

Class Schedule:

Week 1: WHAT IS A WOO?

An overview of Woous Normalus and their place in history, society, and mythology. Special guest lecturer: 3-time Wet T-shirt champion Tara Collins.

Week 2: THE CALL OF THE WOO

An in-depth look at the mating call. In the laboratory, students will master both the tonal aspects and wavelength duration of a Woo call. Later, during advanced fieldwork, students will attempt to infiltrate a pack of Woo girls, observe them in their native environments, and record and submit the phone numbers of any hot ones.

Week 3: THE BEAD INDUSTRY

The symbiotic relationship between young, impressionable women and shiny round objects on strings. We will examine both the micro and macro economics of Wooing.

Week 4: SUB-SPECIES OF WOO

Woous Vegasus, Woous PanamaCityus, and Woous SouthPadreus. We will explore their differences and similarities as well as their journey from Daddy’s Little Girl to Bad Relationships, and how the Discovery of Madori affects this evolution.

Week 5: MOVIE NIGHT

In what has traditionally been a popular lecture, students will analyze and deconstruct a collection of Girls Gone Wild DVD’s.

Week 6: WOO GIRLS AT THE WORKPLACE

An analysis of Woo Girl professionals. Lecture will focus through a historical lens, highlighting Woo girls in the workplace from the early days of aviation hospitality to present day pharmaceutical sales.

Week 7: FIELD TRIP TO MARDI GRAS

Students will observe the highest Holy Day of Woo, in the Wooiest City in the World.

Week 8: ORAL PRESENTATIONS

Students present theses prepared over this intensive two month course. Suggested topics include: The Seasons of Woo, The Origins of Woo, and Woos in World War II.

Required Reading:

– Subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine

– STA Spring Break Travel Guide ‘09

– The Female Anatomy, 1991 ed.

– The Bro Code

– Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Required Viewing:

– Charlie’s Angels: The Complete First Season

– Wild Things

– Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Season Yearbook 1994

– MTV’s The Grind: Complete Series

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load… by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it’s with great admiration and what I’m sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you my Christmas list for this year. And bro, if you have a sec, wake me up — I’d really like to talk to you about how you sneak out of so many women’s houses undetected. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

Happy Holidays,

Barney Stinson

P.S. I left you a glass of twelve-year-old single malt. Milk? Let’s get serious, bro.

*following prerequisites must be met for Bingo

1. Students must be currently enrolled. Don’t think you can knock Florida off your list just by visiting a strip club in Gainsville.

2. Spring break acquisitions may NOT be applied toward your Bingo sheet. This is supposed to be a challenge.

3. Students shall have completed one credit hour of a foreign language.

4. College mascots / members of the dance team will be considered invalid.

5. Student must be attending university in person – “getting a degree” online does not count in the same way that “having sex” online does not count.

6. Any conquests achieved during a 24 hour period following that school’s college world series win, NCAA basketball tournament triumph, or BCS bowl victory will be considered null and void.

7. Have fun!

Far outweighing other classic battles such as Ali vs. Foreman, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, or Alien vs. Predator, the winner of the epic battle demanded a fitting coronation celebration.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the winner.

Click Here To Download How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Episode 12 Girls Vs Suits Free

But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It’s simple. In fact, there’s a good chance you’re already Not a Father, but you’ll want to consult the following frequently asked questions first.

Not A Father – FAQs

1. Nobody WANTS to have a child, but how do I know for sure I’m a Not A Father? The easiest way to confirm that you’re a Not a Father is to ask friends and colleagues if they’ve noticed any of your offspring, or even really small people who look like you. No? Congratulations! You’re well on your way to ensuring your Not a Fatherhood.

2. I heard a story about a Not a Father suddenly becoming not a Not a Father. Is that scientifically possible?

Sadly, yes. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1,500,000 loud, toothless and vomiting surprises arrive unexpectedly each year, which means that each year, 1,500,000 potential Not a Fathers awake one morning to discover they’ve instantly lost their Saturday nights, about $15,000/yr, roughly 3 trillion+ hours of sleep, and their streak of consecutive days without having to go elbowdeep in baby poop. Yikes.

3. I’m worried about baby poop and walking around in public with a fanny pack. Are there steps that I can take to ensure that I remain a Not a Father?

Certainly. Just abstain from having sex. But seriously, there are effective measures and precautions that you can take to help preserve your Not a Father status. 8 out of 10 sexually active adults who do not use some form of birth control will get pregnant within a year. And with my powerful and potent sperm, the number is much greater – somewhere like nine out of ten or even ten out of ten. That’s why I like to employ some of the following birth control methods:

–”the penis poncho” (condom)

–”sex mints” (birth control pills)

–”outercourse” (dry-humpin’)

–”the WMD’s of sperm” (IUD’s)

–”the circle of bachelorhood” (The Ring)

re·la·tion·ship [ree-ley-shuh n-ship] – A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other.

I mean, how ridiculous can one get? “Connection existing between people”?! What are we, Siamese twins? “related to” Um, no. Gross. “Dealings with each other”? We don’t have dealings, we have intercourse! Crazy, “here put this on” intercourse! Clearly, Robin and I are not in a “relationship.” But since Lily refuses to let it go, I thought I’d offer up some better definitions of how two people choose to interact… well, the PG version anyway.

hook·ing up [hoo-k-ing up] – When two people do it, consistently, but aren’t hanging out during daylight hours – unless it’s for the express purpose of getting it on.

hang·ing out [hang – ing – owt] – The process of participating in an organized activity together – such as a movie or dinner – followed shortly thereafter by furious banging.

see·ing where things are go·ing [see-ing wair things ahr going] – The process in which two people hang out, hook up, and do everything they can not to think about what it means.

da·ting – [day-ting] 1) The first time seeing where things are going fails. 2) Hanging out without the guarantee of sex.

marr·iage – [marr-edge] see: suicide.

play·ing the field – [play-ing the feeeeld] – Banging as many people as possible.

just friends – [just frends] – Two people who probably could’ve banged that one night but didn’t and it’s been a little weird ever since. They’ve thought about it, though.

Barn·man and Rob·in [barn-man and rob-in] – A delightful and humorous play on words meant to equate Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky with popular comic book superheroes Batman and Robin, but instead of fighting crime they like to have sex in public places… but they do sometimes wear costumes, so… yeah.

Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to my earlier post Never Wear Jeans to a Strip Club from 2/14/06. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress… maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?

1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, it’s disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts who’ve decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really.

2. A skirt or a dress says you’re not open to a lap dance. Candy’s doesn’t have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces you’re taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool.

3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink you’re graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.

4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams.

5. To attract the fellas. If there’s one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life.
6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that you’re a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel – you deserve to slip into those dungarees.